Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.


Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!


PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.


What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!


It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.


Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they


Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.