@sixfootcandy

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

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@NerishaLakha

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

@karanbirtinna

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

@BuckyIsotope

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

@meganamram

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

@iGreenMonk

It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

@CrystalMoon214

Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@Marcmywords2

Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they
look.

@Metalligretch

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.