I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
It’s all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?