Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]