Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.