“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
Me: Then Home Goods.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
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4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.
– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy