Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

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My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in


I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!


Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.


Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.


Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.


Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are.

– Me, to myself, when I’m fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.


if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy