Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.