Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.