@Divergentmama

Husband: I brought you flowers

Me: what did you do?

Husband: and a necklace

Me: oh god, it must be bad!

Husband: and some chocolates

Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.

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@roxiqt

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

@jazmasta

There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.

@juliussharpe

Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them

@reallifemommy3

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

@SnizzleFrizzle

My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.

@mom_tho

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

@kathybotteas

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

@TheRolo

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.