I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions