@Divergentmama
Husband: I brought you flowers
Me: what did you do?
Husband: and a necklace
Me: oh god, it must be bad!
Husband: and some chocolates
Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.
@roxiqt
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
@jazmasta
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
@juliussharpe
Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them
@innocent
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
@reallifemommy3
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
@SnizzleFrizzle
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
@mom_tho
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
@kathybotteas
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
@TheRolo
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.