Husband: I brought you flowers

Me: what did you do?

Husband: and a necklace

Me: oh god, it must be bad!

Husband: and some chocolates

Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.

You Might Also Like


If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.


Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?


There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.


Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don’t know karate 3) Rob them


My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone


My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.


“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have


You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?


You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.