Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

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“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.


Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.


“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman


Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself


I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.


My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?


[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha


“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.