@Test_of_Steron

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

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@ficklenuts

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

@michaelianblack

Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn’t mean I’m going to do it again. You’re coming across as desperate.

@caperbc75

“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman

@donni

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

@Snotgun

I’ve conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can’t take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.

@Darlainky

My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?

@mrjohndarby

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

@mikeleffingwell

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.