Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Truth
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security