@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

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@heidi420x

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

@sonictyrant

Girlfriend: i just got stung by that wasp can u put a bandaid on it

Me: babe im sure he’s gonna be fine

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@DaddyJew

Hotel clerk: enjoy your stay

Me: thanks, you too

@dreamthievin

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.