@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

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@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@sixfootcandy

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

@Bluestmoon_

Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

@megsaystweet

My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes

@Nahdude83

“Sir, how may I help you?”

*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!

“Did you bring that chair in here?”

*reclines back*
— Maybe?

@hippieswordfish

FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@AndyJokedAgain

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):