HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
You Might Also Like
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Good news
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.