HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.


Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.


Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.


The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.


My Uber driver was telling me “stop apply lipstick!” and “start lipstick, Miss!” because of holes in the road… not all heroes wear capes


“Sir, how may I help you?”

*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!

“Did you bring that chair in here?”

*reclines back*
— Maybe?


FRED: *removing villains mask*
SCOOBY DOO: rarent we rall rust rearing retaphorical rasks to risguise rour true rideous relves
FRED: what


Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message


ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):