ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?
5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.
You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.