Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses


If you steal my identity and get a credit card I’ll be impressed. Not because you stole my identity, but because you got approved. Kudos!


As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God


Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.


You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.


[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet


My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.


me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then


[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.