Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Do not levitate over flowers
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.