Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Unexpected Judgment
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU