@CatsVsHumanity
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
@daddydoubts
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
@InThaBurbs
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
@TylerLinkin
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
@JimmerThatisAll
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
@ch000ch
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
@StarWarsProblms
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
@gwatts77
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
@WeissBrandon
When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.
@PhilJamesson
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
@AnitaHelmet