@AnitaHelmet

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

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@CatsVsHumanity

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

@daddydoubts

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

@InThaBurbs

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?

@ch000ch

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

@StarWarsProblms

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@WeissBrandon

When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered