@delusions_of: Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell "KARATE!".

@rad_milk: awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

@Fickle_Filly: Colleagues who feel the need to say "You either love me or hate me!" are oblivious to the fact that it's always the latter.

@hot_coughy: When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.

@WilliamAder: Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.