@AnitaHelmet

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

You Might Also Like

@JamesonN7

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@Dutch_50

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

@neiltyson

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

@_elvishpresley_

Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty

@OneFunnyMummy

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

@BoomBoomBetty

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?