I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi