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@AnitaHelmet: Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
@delusions_of: Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell "KARATE!".
@rad_milk: awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
@Fickle_Filly: Colleagues who feel the need to say "You either love me or hate me!" are oblivious to the fact that it's always the latter.
@hot_coughy: When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.
@WilliamAder: Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.