Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

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– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…


Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?



Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.


I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.


When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.


Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered