Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
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Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
put ‘er there pardner!
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
the last thing a carrot sees
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.