@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

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@TheBoydP

If by “chivalry is dead” you mean “I put my coat in a puddle for my wife so she’s making me do laundry for a week” then yes chivalry is dead

@joeheenan

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@HiddleDeeDee

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

@TommyWallace

[Dad jokes anonymous]

“…and I’m clean 30 days”

Guy from back: HI CLEAN 3O DAYS I’M DAD

“DAMN IT, JERRY!”

@ieatanddrink

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

@Urfavdog

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

@s_cLaN07

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.