Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree