if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
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me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Just me and my debit card against the world
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.