Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
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Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I enjoy a good short stor
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.