Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

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I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.


Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.


Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.


Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.


Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.


Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)


her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot


A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.


Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…