@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

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@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

@PaperWash

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

@patnspankme

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

@ObscureGent

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

@alfageeek

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

@Shen_the_Bird

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…