Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.