Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.


Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark


that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again


which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this


My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.


me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same


It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.