@jellybnbonanza

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

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@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@flashember

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

@joshbupkes

that moment when football players come out of the locker room and realize they’re all wearing the same thing again

@iamspacegirl

which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this

@CelebrityChez

My biggest regret is probably that time I let a guy dressed up as a hotdog give me a haircut.

@AndrewChamings

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

@killingit06

It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The distance is staggering.