Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.