[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Husband is upset I ate the last of the chicken. Can I help it if he didn’t see it enclosed in foil wrap, sealed inside Tupperware, and tucked behind the eggs on the bottom shelf?
It was right in front of him.
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and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!
Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.