don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
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new shirt idea
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
blocked.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok