Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.

Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.

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” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”



My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.


I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.


Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.


me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty


“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”


Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.


Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.


My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.


Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.