@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

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@Coolisiana

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

@ThirtyYearOld

Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.

@TheAlexP

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@TheEllenShow

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

@laughandrun

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.

Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.

@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@jonnysun

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember