@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

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@stephenjmolloy

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

@randypaint

[family using ouija board after my death]

brother: how is heaven?

me: S U C K S

brother: why?

me: N O D R U G S

brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too

me: J K M O M H A H A

@3sunzzz

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

@Jarhead44

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

@BillDixonish

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

@DonnaBW4

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

@verywhitechedd

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.