Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
You Might Also Like
[family using ouija board after my death]
brother: how is heaven?
me: S U C K S
me: N O D R U G S
brother: [nervously laughing] he’s prolly kidding haha dude moms here too
me: J K M O M H A H A
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I only eat vegetarians.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[me on phone with mechanic]
Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.