@Coolisiana Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
@Karissajem Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
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@Coolisiana 
@ThirtyYearOld Se7en is a great movie even if you haven’t seen o1e, 2wo, thr3e, 4our, 5ive or 6ix.
@TheAlexP *brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
@LizHackett You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
@TheEllenShow I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
@junejuly12 *puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
@laughandrun If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need.
Don’t concern yourself with how I got in your house.
@iAmDelFreaky Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
@Pork_Chop_Hair *drinks beer from my glass slipper*
@jonnysun me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember