Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long


Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?


[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah


if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week


°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec


(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.


College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.


My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.


No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.


Is this your resume?


It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!