At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.