Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
This has made my week.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
$3 #books
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure