
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?
me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?
husband: Well for starters, I’m David.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
*Rides off into sunset
*Forgets phone charger
*Rides back
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”