me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
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Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.