@not_delicate

husband: Just tell me, is there someone else?

me: Of course not, Jim! What makes you think that?

husband: Well for starters, I’m David.

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@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@PanicRestroom

“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean

@iwearaonesie

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

@Darlainky

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

@mattgallo123

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

@realHamOnWry

You can lead a horse to water, but you have to work really, really hard to get him up on water skis.

@bobvulfov

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

@jesus

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”