Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?