Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
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How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.