@AimeeHelene1

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

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@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@JillianKarger

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

@m3aruf

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

@AngelaEhh

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

@Marlebean

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

@iwearaonesie

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

@Darlainky

I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.