I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
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My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.