*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
Me: *honk*

You Might Also Like


I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids


My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.


*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*


SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me


pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me


Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.



*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”


coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?


I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.