ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
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Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]
uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.