Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

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ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon


Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.


[dentist hands me a bag with a tootbrush and floss inside it]

uhmmmmm okay? now I feel weird I didn’t get you anything


My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.