Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

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The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.


Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.



“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.


BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.


[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil


*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop


I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.


[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!


Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!