Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
You Might Also Like
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
New mindset, who dis?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.