Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.