*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Can’t stop laughing
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???