This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
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I don’t suffer insomnia like most tweeters do.
I always get a solid 7, maybe 8 minutes of sleep every night.
this person knows how to have fun
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
So far my favorite villain in the Superman/Batman movie is the casting director.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!