@sixfootcandy

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

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@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@TheToddWilliams

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

@adamochoa

*makes 58008 on an abacus and turns it upside down* dammit

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

@Shot_Of_Cabo

I don’t understand people who say they’re getting ready for bed.

I mean I’m ready for bed as soon as I get up in the morning.

@good_one_rick

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.

@SarahhMcCaff

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

@sixfootcandy

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.