Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home