Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

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If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.


The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.


Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.


Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.


Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect


[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha


Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.


”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.