@sixfootcandy

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

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@Shwetangles

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

@lovemydogduck

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

@goldengateblond

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

@smerobin

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

@Shade510

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

@ddsmidt

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.