Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Spa day..😅
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship