Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
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*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
i dont have time for this
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
We’ve come full circle
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
lol
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day