husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
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[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?