@ThatMummyLife

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

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@ComedicBust

[3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@Paige__xxx

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@meganamram

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

@lukasbattle

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

@TheAndrewNadeau

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

@RafflesWord

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

@botandy

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

@IncrediblyRich

Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.