*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

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Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?


Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.


people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground


Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school


My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up


Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic


I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.


I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.


Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’


Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.