@ThatMummyLife

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

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@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@Asbo_Unicorn

Spelling is very important in cosmetic surgery no one wants buttocks injected into their face

@Just__J0

What idiot said 2021 can’t get here fast enough?

@RobynPorteous

Wanna know why I hate Vapers?
You smell donuts or cotton candy and turn a corner thinking ‘mmmm I’m gonna treat myself to something tasty.’
But NO.
It’s just Brad and his cloud of LIES.

@fignhoney

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

@InternetHippo

I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea

@notacroc

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@TheRealAlSnow

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

@Jason_Horton

If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.