@theshantilly

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

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@GrumpyBahr

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@myles_morrison

People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?

@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

@JohnielDan

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.

@jonnysun

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.

@PondHockeyPro

Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom

@UncleDuke1969

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”