Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

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Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.

Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”


I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.


Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.


If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.


I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to


[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that


him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron


Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?


Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.


Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off