@theshantilly

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

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@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

@AnniemuMary

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@frankzulla

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

@kelkulus

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

@flowersofmyself

The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.

@ericsshadow

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

@PatsATweetin

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice