People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
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Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!
Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”