Ladies, don’t waste your time picking up guys at Chuck E Cheese.
Apparently they have a “family” & a “wife” & I’m “ruining their dinner.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
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I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off