Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The worst thing about middle aged dating is you legitimately don’t know if you’ve been ghosted or the object of your affections has just died.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice