Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.