Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.