Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
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Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?