Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles