*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
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After only four hours of deliberation, our toddler has returned a verdict of “not sleepy”.
[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.
When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, “Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom”.
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Doctor: What seems to be th-
Me: -Medicinal marijuana!
Doc: I’m sorry?
Me: Let’s start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?