Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?