Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
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Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
HERE’S MARKY
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Oh yeh? Explain this then
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.