*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
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Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”