Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video