Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I wish I could veto my bills.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
my retirement plan is braless
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what